Losing face…!?

Losing face…!?

I’ve always had difficulties saying no. While I’ve often thought it was a personality trait that was exclusively mine, I’ve discovered of late that I cannot be so selfish.

There’s something in our culture that makes it difficult for us to lose face. The inability to say “no” is one way this trait manifest’s itself in our part of the world. Maybe it’s all to do with our much maligned (secretly revered) system of social hierarchy; remnants of our colonial past or our feudal origins, whatever it is, you all know what I’m talking about.

Let me start at the micro level of our day to day lives.

Example 1:
I’m utterly and completely broke, my friend invites me for a drink or something and I go grudgingly. I end up spending too much money- including my taxi fare home- and curse my friend for no fault of his/ hers…but somehow it was easier than saying no…phew I did not lose face!

Example 2:
My date is one busy guy. He promises to leave work early the next day just to see me- how sweet! I fall for the line hook line and sinker and forget all our previous episodes. He swears he’ll come, he even says “don’t bail on me right!” The next day I wake up slightly earlier than usual, make sure to iron my half decent (for a change) clothes! I shave my legs, put on some jewellery and even some cheap perfume. The morning hours are less cranky than usual….Morning turns in to evening, the minutes tick and well… no call. I text and…no reply, I text again…still no reply. I call… a hurried voice answers “I’m at a meeting, I’ll call you back ok”…call me back my ass! fuck you! And suddenly I feel a strange sense of de ja vous…hmmm… strange feel like I’ve been here before…My date escapes, phew he didn’t lose face.

Example 3
I’m throwing a party, I call my friends…”oooh how lovely!! Yes of course we’ll come, do you need some help?”...oh no don’t bother just bring yourself.
The day arrives, I’m slaving at the stove, one friend calls up and sweetly offers to help once again, such a darling now isn’t it? No no! don’t you worry…ok could you bring me something cold do drink and come a tad early? “Sure hon, see you there…4.30?” great! Ok ...4.30, 5.30, 6.30…
Another friend suddenly texts, “sorry sweetie I’ve got a fever, have fun!”…10 minutes later another friend “sorry darling, I got the runnies, have fun!” ??? what’s this some kind of collusion!
7.30, 8.30,…party starts, we have fun, get drunk, go to bed…wake up the next morning, clean, the place…oh what I wouldn’t do for a cold drink right now….HEY!! Hang on a minute wasn’t my friend supposed to bring me one yesterday?...and she didn’t even bother to call and excuse herself…phew she didn’t lose face.

Sounds familiar anybody?
Anyway let me move on to the macro level, to my “ah-ha moment”, my realisation that this phenomenon is inbred in our genes.

“The Ceasefire Agreement is in tact”

This seems to be the buzz statement these days, regurgitated by those SLMM folks the Government, the LTTE, the media….

“X number of navy officers killed in yesterday’s attack, the Government and the LTTE reiterate the importance of the peace talks…”

“Y number of young men shot in their homes, we condemn such attacks and reiterate our commitment to the CFA…”

“Suicide bomb attack in Colombo, retaliatory air strikes… the ceasefire agreement stands!...”

What CFA? Where CFA? Whose CFA? People continue to die, but just in the right numbers to maintain the façade of a ceasefire. Life goes on, we pretend as best as we can that everything alright, we stop counting. We fall for the propaganda slogans once again, we begin to take sides. The country is at war but we’re not going to tell anyone…phew we didn’t lose face!


Maybe it’s some strange coping mechanism, maybe we are all just a bunch of escapists. We were taught to keep our feelings to ourselves, because it’s bad manners to talk about your problems (read bad manners to be honest) we beat around the bush and feel comfortable in our little zones. We cheat, we lie and the next time we meet those same people we are sugary sweet. Because we are comfortable with a “no shows”, we know that people are not going to believe us and that they might even think bad about us behind our backs…but behind our backs is acceptable…we just want to lose face!